The DIY Guide To Partying Safely

With many, many years of joling under his belt, party veteran Russel Smith put together this list of Party Do’s and Don’ts to share with you up and coming party monsters. See, he cares.



As a show of love for the up and coming party monsters, and as a reminder to you tired old disco hags, I’ve put together a little list of how to party safely and successfully:

  • Party with mates you trust. They will keep you safe, and you should do the same for them, if you’re any kind of mate.
  • Plan the stuff like lifts home and whatever beforehand. Get all the rational thinking out the way so you can have some fun.
  • Be a mate. I mean a mate as far as, not being a dick to people unnecessarily. If you’re in a shitty mood don’t take it out on the people who are there to have a good time. Take your morose ass home, put on a movie, and drink a soothing cup of tea. You’ll be happier for it. If you’re just a dick in general there is no drink to improve it, just drinks to make it worse.
  • Don’t overdo it on the booze. You get sloppy and unattractive and the likelihood of you doing something stupid increases dramatically.
  • Party with a decent meal in you. It really does slow down alcohol absorption and gives you something to puke up when your binge-drinking, light-weight self inevitably needs to evacuate your guts.
  • Try avoiding up chucking aforementioned meal anywhere but in a toilet designated for your gender. Anywhere else will probably get you kicked out unless you’ve mastered the art of the “sneaky sick” which you should only practise in gardens not in public, clubs, bars or even bedrooms.
  • Drugs are bad, mmmkay. They are fun, but only to people who have brains. Anyone who takes drugs, if they’re not an idiot, will admit that drugs are fucking stupid. Firstly, you can avoid drug related problems by not taking them at all. If you do decided to flip, drop, shnarf or fly, make sure you’ve got enough knowledge about what you’re taking and the risks. Asking drug users isn’t always the best idea or by any means enough, so get on your iPhone and Google that shit.
  • I’ve heard some people say pharmaceutical drugs are safer, they’re not! Some are worse. Remember what happened to Heath Ledger and MJ? Don’t steal your moms various uppers and downers and think you’re safe. Treat them as you would any other drug.
  • If you choose to take drugs, go tell a mate even if you don’t think there is a danger of an overdose. If something bad happens they might need to speak for you.
  • Be aware that drinking in public and the use and possession of any drug, even some pharmaceutical ones, is illegal and will get you in serious shit with the law. Be prepared to chuck or flush that shit if need be. Don’t eat it all, you’ll die!
  • Remember that you’re, in effect, temporarily stunted intellectually and emotionally if you’ve been drinking or taking drugs so don’t take risks you may regret. Picking up that hottie at the end of the night may turn in to an awkward morning with a beast that lives under the Umgeni Bridge, but that is not the worst thing you could end up doing. Common sense fails sometimes so ask a mate if what you’re about to attempt is a good idea. It helps.
  • Pace yourself. You may feel like losing control for a night, but it can results in bad things happening to good people. Plus no one likes to go home because a mate got too shit faced. Don’t be that mate.
  • Don’t be the cause of drama! Don’t be an immature, overly emotional, hormone machine that can’t handle their booze. Crying in public, fighting, freaking out over your passed out friend, and domestics of any kind, anything that will attract attention to you in a bad way is to be vehemently avoided! You are less inhibited, social filters are down, we get it, and we’ve been there but a night out is not an excuse to act out all your deep seated issues.
  • Not everyone is just out to have a good time. Booze and dwelms make crazy people even crazier and there are unsavoury types in even the most up-market venues.
  • Attend to your drink always. I roofied myself and that shit is wild.
  • Don’t get involved in fights inside or outside a club or party. Avoid agro people like they are the plague. People have been shot as a result of small verbal exchanges, so don’t risk it no matter how much of a big balled hero you think you are. Besides you always look like a dick, even if you weren’t in the wrong. Let bouncers deal with fights, it’s what they’re there for. You should be there to have a good time, and we know none of you DIY readers are bastard enough to be out instigating.
  • On the subject of bouncers… Most are cool and are there to make sure everybody has a good time. Some are utter douche bags who are just looking for a reason to smack the shit out of someone. Either way, testing them is putting your own health at risk. Listen, don’t argue and try avoiding the ones who look like they’re spoiling to release some pent up roid rage.
  • If you’re old enough to party in clubs, you should have enough sense to not let someone talk you in to doing something stupid. If you’re uncomfortable doing something, don’t do it! If it’s your mates doing the convincing, find better mates. Peer pressure is for high school.
  • Don’t leave or go some place quieter with a stranger or without telling your mates. This includes random hook ups and drug deals. Its common sense but the amount of times I’ve had girls happily jump in my car after only a few hours of knowing me is shocking and I always think to myself they’re a bit naive. This is not limited to chicks either.
  • AIDs is real and it can happen to your middle-class ass, and babies happen to the best of us. Have condoms on you if you think you might end up scoring and, for love of your future, use them! Hell, just keep a spare one on you just in case. You could always save a friend’s life if not your own. This is not limited to only guys.
  • Don’t drive or get into a car with a driver who has over indulged. You run the risk of spending the night in jail with villains, or worse, getting dead. It’s all fun and games, until someone loses the ability to breathe for themselves.

This may be a bit of a downer and shitty, but we love you and want to party with you. Take care of yourselves and each other. Durban is yours, now get out there and get her!

*All images © Matt Stroud

19 Responses to “The DIY Guide To Partying Safely”
  1. marty says:

    i concur.
    we were all young once and the older people at those parties and gigs we went to probably said the same shit “check these poser kids encroaching on our vibe, this place has gone to shit..”. you’re just getting old, deal with it.

    awesome common sense party guide for the kids, it should be made into an instructional training video by DIY.
    you should get that marty guy to produce it once he’s finished being a slave to tertiary education.
    hint hint.

  2. Tyron says:

    Great advice! I wish I’d read this in my early twenty’s. Thank God I was lucky back then. All “grown up” now. My idea of a good night out is dinner with my wife.

  3. mat says:

    This was amazing, this is what they should teach kids in school man!
    Seriously so well written that it wasn’t a downer at all great job! and touched on all the right topics!
    If anything this just got me amped to party!

  4. Walpurgisnacht says:

    mmmm. drugs.

  5. skullboy says:

    Drink is nice. (Some) drugs are nicer. This article is nicest! Great work, russel!

  6. pissingblood says:

    Glad you guys are digging it.

    @Marty, Like your thinking man… Gladly contribute some more writing to such important lessons that are ignored by our country’s education system.

  7. galvatron says:

    Russel didnt they play a song by will smiths kid or something..??
    and have you even done any of the things on that list?

  8. Pascal says:

    No one takes Russel telling them to party safely, seriously. ;P

  9. pissingblood says:

    Yes… So?
    And yes… Point?

  10. AF says:

    Haha. Awesome.

  11. superintendent says:

    i love how russel ‘punk rock’ smith is telling people what to do. get a grip, dad.

  12. xdoomx says:

    Almost straight edge!! Looooove it 🙂

  13. pissingblood says:

    I love how super ‘anonymous bitch’ intendent is the only one with an issue with me writing this. Get a life, son.

  14. AF says:

    @superintendent I’ve read that exact comment before on here. I love how Russel ‘punk rock’ can actually write, you know? So shush already.

  15. Schoolgirl says:

    This is the first time I’ve actually read something of yours and I really wish I had read it before the courage party for more reasons than your NOT to do list…and maybe you should have wrote it before then and taken some of your own advice…I suppose thats probably why the evening wasn’t memorable to you and utterly disappointing for myself.

  16. Nick says:



  17. Jesus says:


    Eat a dick.

    Sounds like you’re good at it.

  18. sweetgoldenboy says:

    ..don’t let someone’s karma run over your dogma..

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