Ask DJ Fuego Heat

It’s our second installment of Ask DJ Fuego Heat and this month Senor Heat tackles some of life’s toughest questions like “Do you need to take drugs to make friends in Durban?” “How do I stop my shitty friends from posting shitty memes on Facebook?” and there’s a bit about underage girls that we hope he’s joking about. The steam cat that is DJ Fuego Heat breaks it down below.

 

 

Gavin Radebe asks:

Dear Heat,

Why is it that if you stop taking drugs, the paranoia also stops?
Are those two things related?

You don’t need drugs to make friends in Durban, do you?

Stay well,

Gav

 

 

Dear Gav

The truth is you don’t need drugs to make friends in Durban but it makes it a hell of a lot easier. On one level there is the whole brother hood vibe that can only be sanctified by the sharing a spliff or squashing 3 dudes into a club toilet cubicle. But then there’s the fact that people are generally fucking boring. Judging by your first two questions, you probably entertain your friends, you may even be the comedian of the group. But under conditions of sobriety, a large portion of the general populous would find you as boring as fuck. A few drinks in them though and they might tolerate you for a while. But drugs, my friend, are the key. Suddenly you become some sort of Youtube/Wikipedia hybrid supernova. Entertaining and informative. The life of the party even. The downside is that people on drugs aren’t that fun if you aren’t also on them. So join in and even share your stash (that’ll be sure to reel them in). The alternative is sitting in the corner making awkward small talk with that one guy you met at that one place and did that one thing with but haven’t really seen in two years and wishing you were somewhere else or Mugg and Bean post youth group hang outs. The choice is yours.  Just be careful that you don’t want overindulge and end up as the guy passed out at a house party with another dudes nut sack in your mouth.

Your friend
Fuego Heat
__________________________________________________________________________________

 

Matt asks:

Dear DJ Fuego Heat

so underage girls..good/bad idea?
p.s she’s hot

M

 

 

Dear Matt

This question addresses a real dilemma. Ancient Romans were ravaging 13 year olds and it was all good. Hugh Hefner is getting down with honeys too young for me to date and I’m not casting the pervert stick of judgement in his direction. So where does the modern 25-35 year old male draw the line? The city seems to be rampant with newly fledged ducklings that were once easily distinguishable by blatant dorkiness but now they are now amongst us, incognito, veiled by fashion sensibility, make up and meat hormone induced early maturation. Are young girls fair game? A trap or a treat?

There are many rules of thumb that can be followed. If there’s grass on the pitch it’s ready for batting. Half your age plus 7. In actuality, once you tick off the ‘over 16’ and ‘yes, it’s consensual’ boxes, it’s all situation specific. Witnessing a few of these situations first hand recetly  have spent some time pondering the whole debacle and have come to the conclusion that it is an intricate balance of age, hotness and time since last encounter that determine the suitable age. To make this easier I have constructed a handy graph (Fig.1). The x-axis (the one on the bottom) represents the age difference between you and your prey, increasing from left to right. The y-axis on the left indicates the level of hotness and the axis on the right time since your last hook up. The area between the two lines is the green light area. Normally level your level of inebriation needs to be factored in but since your case is one of premeditated paedophilia you’re shit out of luck. Some of the readership may find this a bit much to digest all in one go so please feel free to print out a copy of this to carry with you for times of confusion.

 

Lastly and possibly most importantly, is the friend factor as they will be the harshest jury you will face. Would your mates rather have you bashing away at an age appropriate ugly doll or a banging hot soon to be matriculant case? The length of time your life is made a misery will be riding solely on this one. As a last resort you can always stick it where you like and hope  nobody ever finds out.

Happy hunting.
Fuego Heat
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Matt K asks:

I know its bullshit, but sometimes when I’m listening to my music – on the train for example – with my earphones on, I think I understand the world more than any of those fuckers on the train. Why is this?

Matt

 

 

Dear Matt K

I have never caught a train in Durban and know few people that have. With state of the railways and theft, I doubt busting out your new iPod in such a situation would be the safest thing to do either. In short, the situation you are referring to is a mystery to me. However, the words megalomaniac and egotistical do come to mind.

Kind regards,
The always awesome Fuego Heat
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Skullbooooooi asks:

Dear Dr Heat

If I see one more person post “If you recognize this you were there for the 90′s” I’m going to drive a screwdriver through my eye. How can I take revenge on these acquaintances for cluttering up my new feed with this bullshit?

Yours sincerely,
skullboy

 

 

Dear Skullboy

For certain reasons (my steezy logo being one) it pains me to do this but have a cry wank and get over it. I would rather have my news feed clogged with Suicide Girls than cat memes and Motörhead as opposed to bible verses but the world doesn’t work that way. Alas, the internet is subject to such strange anomalies that defy taste or reason (take this blog for instance) and instead of staring at boobs and violence we have to grit out teeth and bear with the mundane.

Regretfully apathetic
Fuego Heat

 

Got any burning questions for DJ Fuego Heat? Ask them in the comment section below.

To make sure you don’t ask a question that’s already been answered, check out last month’s column

Header illustration by Skullboy.

Comments
13 Responses to “Ask DJ Fuego Heat”
  1. Ozzie says:

    Maybe Skullboooi needs more 80’s nostalgia posts from me in his news feed?

  2. Erm says:

    Fuego, would it be possible for you to put together a chart with more handy graphs, to help us socially impaired people in some of life’s more difficult situations?

  3. kaptain cade says:

    dera dj feugo heat

    would you make soup out of your research turtles?

    love
    the kap

  4. luke says:

    i pretty sure it’s ‘if there’s grass on the wicket, let’s play cricket’ but yeah, you pmb people are weird folk so i’ll let it slide.

  5. Kath says:

    The underage girl answer is too brilliant. Skills.

  6. DJ Fuego Heat says:

    Questionable morals accompanied by questionable proofreading. Testament to the cons of late night pseudo-journalism.

  7. Holiday says:

    Honesty, why anyone is asking Fuego of advice is beyond me.

    I mean I love this dude, but this is the same guy who tried to run away to Mozam in the middle of winter with a gay kleptomaniac and was so drunk he forgot to put his feet down while riding a vintage super bike.

    He does have fantastic hair, so maybe this should be about mens grooming rather? Or like “Do girls prefer foreskins or not?” that’s something we have not discussed for at least a day now.

  8. Tony Tiger. says:

    Dear Mr Heat

    Are foreskins in or out this summer?

    forever yours,
    Tony Tiger.

  9. IOIIOOIO says:

    What Luke said.

    Also, Matt, go for it man! Young honeys are way more fun! They have low expectations and an amazing sex drive. Plus they will actually play Xbox with you*; as opposed to fighting with it for your attention. Don’t think long term though… that’s just sad.

    * Fuego you forgot to factor in maturity level and how much of a loser you are.

  10. MissOptimistic says:

    Dear Mr Heat

    Are the creation of online personas (eg on Facebook, twitter etc) resulting in the blatant humiliation of the individual who is trying to become someone they are not, or has it become an online form of personal development where one assess how “uncool” one is and decides on qualities they would like to develop within themselves?
    Has creating online personas become an art form?

    Warm Regards,
    MissOptimistic

  11. Joling! says:

    Fuck, marry, kill…

    Metallica, Mumford and Sons, Justin Beiber.

  12. Jason says:

    Dear The Heat

    Could you please explain what the following words mean for people like me and their moms:

    Swag
    Ballin’
    2.0
    Justin Beiber

    Thanks
    Not Jason

  13. Abetter80sDJ says:

    So Fuego,

    Lets say hypothetically that this end of the world shit is real. You’re playing at the final countdown party and you’ve got 10 minutes left till this mass destruction takes place. The last music these people will hear is beautiful 80s. What would your last 3 songs be, and would they include ‘Don’t stop believing?’

    Headbands and bandstands.
    ABetter80sDJ

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