The DIY Guide to Partying on Expert

We refreshed our guide to partying safely for 2015, so naturally we had to bring back the DIY Guide to Partying on expert for those of you who are ready to take off the water wings. Russell Grant and Bob Perfect break down how to clock the jolling game on expert.

 

Party with people you only vaguely know. They will push you to extremes you never thought possible, without any concern or responsibility for your well-being.

 

If it seems like a good idea at the time, it probably is.

 

Dudes, shed your clothes whenever possible. This shows women that you are brave and courageous and not afraid to stand out from the crowd. Complete the look by tipping a quart on your face while caressing your proud paunch.

 

Ladies, shed your clothes whenever possible. Take #FreeTheNipple to the jol.

 

Avoid fights that you know you’re gonna lose. This really only means the bouncers. Everyone else is fair game.

 

Waiting in a queue to piss is a drag and cuts into valuable partying time. There is a reason why bars look so much like urinals. Extra points if you can hit the square-toed boitjie next to you without him seeing.

 

It is a grave injustice that only women should be allowed to dance on the speakers. Trust me guys, you’ll look extra cool up there as well, and the rest of the club will thank you for it.

 

Stage-dive from aforementioned speakers. Aim to do this between songs for added impact.

 

Bands love strong crowd interaction. Spend as much time as you can on stage, and try to interact with each band member individually. An added benefit is that the audience will think you’re friends with the band and will want to have sex with you later.

 

If you can’t feel your drugs kicking in, it’s because you didn’t take enough, so take more until you feel something.

 

If a bouncer removes you from the jol, do whatever you can to get back in. Act surprised and indignant when you are removed a second time. The same applies for the third and fourth time.

 

Being drunk means being limber, try doing physical feats you usually struggle with sober.

 

Electric fences and spikes are just challenges to your masculinity. Accept them.

 

Get in cars with strangers, you never know what sort of adventures you could get up to with a drug dealer and the two quiet guys in the back seat.

 

Avoid paying for parties at all costs, especially those put on by small, independent bands or charities.

 

True partying is about not giving a fuck.

 

Remember, once you start partying, don’t stop until physically restrained/incapable. Fatigue, sobriety, or your girlfriend’s tears are not suitable excuses.

 

Strippers secretly like it when you slap their asses (hard) during a table dance. Be sure to be the last one out of the club too, awkwardly hitting on the girls as they leave.

 

Try get as sexual as possible in public places. Envious onlookers will ask  you to stop. This is your cue to ask them to join in.

 

Anything you do on a dance floor is a dance move. This includes the robot and  fingering girls.

 

Fight your friends as often as possible. It’s how you show them you love them. Like your parents did. It also shows people that you’re super tough. Chicks dig tough guys.

 

If you have any other tips for partying on Expert, feel free to share them with us.

Also, this is clearly a fucking joke, don’t @ us.

Comments
51 Responses to “The DIY Guide to Partying on Expert”
  1. luke says:

    7 years in point form.

  2. luke says:

    but seriously. i’m fucking dying.

  3. tam says:

    speechless.

  4. keags says:

    Incredible.

  5. pissingblood says:

    Challange accepted! Except I do all of these almost weekly…

  6. dj love struck says:

    always ask the dj to play a request it mate you sound super cool cos you know about music and stuff.
    the only requests taken seriously by dj are the ones that are made by pretty girls with smoking rigs.
    so send your hot friend

  7. Nick says:

    I was mildly amused until “Anything you do on a dance floor is a dance move. This includes the robot and fingering girls”. Lost it, hard.

  8. Ryan says:

    Party at jock club.
    Spend night bitching about entrance fee, douche-y music, douche-y clientele, drink prices etc. Loudly.
    Preferably in a group consisting of said douche-y clientele.
    Bonus points for successful infiltration of club and procreating with douche-y concubine.

  9. Ry says:

    Don’t worry Nick, nobody expects you to enjoy fingering girls.

  10. Party poes says:

    Everyone with long hair or tight jeans is EMO, and all emo’s are gay. Stekkies (Expert partiers don’t call them ”girls”) love it when you fight with emo’s or call them faggots. Preferably call them faggots and fight with them, but remember to take your shirt off before fighting otherwise you’re just as queer as that faggot emo in his sisters jeans

  11. Jacques Poesteau says:

    When commenting on articles on Durban Is Yours, be sure to always include some form of poncy criticism with your compliments. This makes you seem superior and educated.

  12. Turck says:

    I love electric fences and spikes!

  13. luke says:

    i hear your calf just eats them up.

  14. Nick says:

    Yeah Ry, there’s another appendage for that purpose.

  15. luke says:

    toeing?

  16. Ryan says:

    noseing?

  17. bee says:

    Cue. Not queue.

  18. Jimmy Neutron says:

    I would like to commend you guys on this rad blog, the design is proudly Durban, the content is always fresh and spot on, the feedback is positive and you really are creating an amazing platform. keep it up!

  19. Ozzie says:

    Phew! Rough write up! My prudish eyes are melting

  20. BlackDick says:

    I fuck Christians

  21. Tigga says:

    Cue, Russell

  22. Bob says:

    The second queue was my bad. WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!

  23. luke says:

    FUCKING GRAMMER ANIMALS.

  24. Party poes says:

    No, Bukake

  25. randomhotchick says:

    Appropriate weight of a girl is inversely proportional to state of sobriety.

  26. MitchHATE says:

    And remember, if she’s doesn’t look 16, it’s okay because she’s in an over 18 club anyways.
    THANKS JABU PULE(read a fucking newspaper if you don’t know what I’m talking about)

  27. MitchHATE says:

    Electric fences and spikes are just challenges to your masculinity. Accept them.

    my favourite

  28. Ryan says:

    Bitches wear provocative outfits for a reason. Indulge them. Let them know you acknowledge and respect their choice in oufit. Grabbing their ass and/or vagina is usually the best signifier of your approval.

  29. Russell says:

    My bad, didn’t notice that second cue/queue.

    GrammAr, Luke.

  30. luke says:

    I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE ACTOR KELSEY GRAMMER, BITCH.

  31. Paul Oxborrow says:

    Q and not U, bitches

  32. Russell says:

    Kelsey Grammer is an animal

  33. Lars says:

    cant find myself here…

    “Electric fences and spikes are just challenges to your masculinity. Accept them.”

    Accept the spikes not the challenges!

  34. Disgusted says:

    How on earth can you guys publish something like this? I know you guys like to push boundaries and make your “jokes” but this absolutely disgusting and not in the least bit funny. You should be ashamed of yourselves for publishing this.

  35. Stathi says:

    crywank?

  36. Party poes says:

    Disgusted is probably the boitjie who got his new white square toes pissed on by an expert partier. Face it. You just party on novice

  37. luke says:

    i’m kinda bummed pissing on the dance floor didn’t make this guide.

  38. I always thought Go Go were straight Edge …

  39. Bob says:

    @Luke , if you can believe it, I actually completely forgot about that. Got away with so much at Joes.

  40. What’s the level after Expert? Maybe i can right that guide if people find this shocking…

  41. LadyHaha says:

    Like.

  42. Amy says:

    Jesus christ monkey balls. I think this is the most sexist thing that I have ever read. Lots of shit is funny, but the extreme women disrepecting going on in this article is not funny or cool or whatever the hell you think you were doing with this. I tried to imagine that you were writing that crap with your tongue in your cheek, but I don’t think that you were. And even if you were, it still just degrades this whole blog and makes you guys look like the smallest little pricks in Durban.

  43. Bob says:

    This is pretty much the most serious article we’ve ever written and we totally believe in every word said. Not one bit of sarcasm, at all. We’d never do that, nope, not us.

  44. Lucy says:

    You guys should repost this.

  45. Gary Marais says:

    What do you know about little pricks?

  46. rocko says:

    also at all cost when you eventually crash make sure it is in someone else bed or on a strangers couch.
    god knows you cant be found pants less with a random broard by your mom

  47. Dan says:

    Man, this is so great.

  48. sweetgoldenboy says:

    Did someone say bitches?????

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