Ask DJ Fuego Heat #3

The spicey one is back once more to answer life’s burning questions. This month, the Heat kills Metallica, marries Justin Beiber and talks openly about circumcision. Now with double the graphs.

 

 

Jason asks:

Dear The Heat
Could you please explain what the following words mean for people like me and their moms:
Swag
Ballin’
2.0
Justin Beiber
Thanks
Not Jason

 

 

Dear Not Jason

They created urban dictionary for a reason. Fuck off.

Ballin’ cause I got more swag than Beiber
Fuego Heat 2.0

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Joling! asks:

Fuck, marry, kill…

Metallica, Mumford and Sons, Justin Beiber

 

 

Dear Joling!

Kill: Metallica
Reason: St Anger

Fuck: Mumford and Sons
Reason: After being gang banged by four dudes you’ll need a good serenading. Mumford and Sons live and unplugged in your bathroom will make perfect soundtrack as you lay curled up in the foetal position under a running shower with all your clothes on (blood stained or not)

Marry: Justin Beiber
Reason: You can dress him up like a girl and probably get away with it. Additionally, nobody will arrest you when you get all Chris Brown on his ass.

 

Figure 1: Lady Beibs

 

 

Homicidally, promiscuously and matrimonially
Fuego Heat

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MissOptimistic asks:

Dear Mr Heat
Are the creation of online personas (eg on Facebook, twitter etc) resulting in the blatant humiliation of the individual who is trying to become someone they are not, or has it become an online form of personal development where one assess how “uncool” one is and decides on qualities they would like to develop within themselves?
Has creating online personas become an art form?
Warm Regards,
MissOptimistic

 

 

Dear MissOptimistic

Firstly, are you referring to the creation of alter egos under an alias, Joe ‘squirts’ Anderson that shat his pants in Grade 9 but now has a profile picture with some chick with banging knockers (who was probably just a promo girl) and everyone thinks he’s a player or the Luke ‘he’s a dick on the internet but nice guy in real life’ Smith syndrome?

Irrespective, it is no ways a tool for self improvement. The internet has allowed people to say what they like when they like without having to deal with the consequences that are tied up in face to face human interactions. The cloak of anonymity only perpetuates this train of ignorance. Cumbucket63 may talk about all the dick she sucked this weekend and about what a hobag littleskank419 is but in actuality she’s a bored little school girl that giggles while peeling a banana and wouldn’t dare say a bad word about littleskank419 in real life for fear of being knocked the fuck out. In other words it has helped create an electronic race of opinionated bastards that shout their uninformed mouths off about everything but are too scared to live life in the real world.

Is it an art form? Yes. I’ve worked really hard to craft the opinionated bastard that I am and by mere virtue of you reading these words, on some level I have succeeded.
Yours Sincerely
Aka Fuego Heat

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Tony Tiger asks:

Dear Mr Heat
Are foreskins in or out this summer?
forever yours,
Tony Tiger.
Dear Tony Tiger

The fact that you even ask this question tells me that you’re probably uncircumsized and feeling a little bit self-conscious about your elephant trunk/manatees cock. And so you should! The following graphs should explain everything you need to know about female perception of the uncircumsized penis.

 

Figure 2: Female views on uncircumcised penises

 

Figure3: Female responses when questioned by their uncircumsized boyfriends about foreskins

 

 

 

So, if you have a foreskin most girls think it’s gross and your girlfriend is probably lying about liking it. Can you blame her? You don’t eat a banana with the skin on.

Additionally there are a number of health risks. Studies in several African countries have shown that being circumcised can reduce the risk of contracting HIV by up to 50% (honest to God I did not make this up). So, if you get the chop chicks will dig you and you’ll live longer. Just don’t paint yourself white, slice it with a rusty razor and then spend two weeks bleeding in the bush. That can only end badly.

 

Figure 4: Actual pro-circumcision government poster

Your bald eagle bra
Fuego Heat

 

Got any burning questions for DJ Fuego Heat? Ask them in the comment section below.

To make sure you don’t ask a question that’s already been answered, check out last month’s column

Header illustration by Skullboy.

Comments
5 Responses to “Ask DJ Fuego Heat #3”
  1. Bob says:

    I thought Urban Dictionary was there so MK knew what ‘hater’ meant.

  2. N says:

    @Bob, “Hater” doesn’t exist in Afrikaans, so maybe they thought we needed a primer.

  3. Greg says:

    Mr Heat,

    How do I grow a moustache as magnificent as yours?

    Sincerely yours,
    Hair-less.

  4. Hairy palms says:

    Dear Fuego Heat,

    I have jerked off twice a day every day for the last 14 years, even when I’ve had a girlfriend. Is this too much, too little or just right?

  5. Jerome says:

    Hello DJ Fuego

    I want to become a DJ like yourself.
    How do I go about becoming one? Can I just put on my itunes, click shuffle and dance along like everyone else?
    Also, is the money good?

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