Hey Yoof! Here’s The Troof!: No News Is Good News

We know that it’s hard to know what’s true in this world, especially as a youth. Luckily for you though, we’ve got your back. We’ve managed to convince truthsayer extraordinaire, Skullboy, to fill you in on the troof, a slightly off center version of what everyone else has been telling you. This time Skullboy takes a look at the news and doesn’t like what he sees.

 

 

I don’t read newspapers at all. I wish I did – but I don’t. St(e)ak would often talk about his unhealthy addiction to the local news, which I’ve always thought really admirable, but to this day I just can’t muster up the interest to drag myself through any publication without an inch of humour or at least a pair of boobs. I’ll dabble but my only real source of information is hearsay and digestible, bite-size headlines on the way to work. Now every 6 weeks or so, I’ll find myself in the centre of some sort of moral and intellectual depression where I’ll vow to be better informed and actually take part in the World at Large. Without fail, every resolution to start following the news is swiftly, and effectively followed by the blood oath to never, ever, ever to venture into those grey, rough pages again. For one simple reason: it’s fucking scary, dude.

 You gotta make bank so that when the Rapture comes, you’ll be in the 8% who can actually support themselves

The most recent occasion was the most unnerving. I arrived early one morning for an appointment at Spiga, so I decided to indulge myself. Once a roadside table was secured, a cup of coffee ordered and a cigarette lit, I felt it safe enough to venture out of my ignorance and into the pages of the day’s newspaper. Here’s the rundown of the stories for that day (not unlike any other day): Zuma vs Malema, “We’re all fucked, thanks so much Global Warming”, religious vigilantism and economic crisis from around the world. Fuck me.

 

Firstly, the Zuma/Malema thing gets me paranoid. I don’t even know exactly what these two cheddarcats are fighting about but the tone seems ominous. It is not the details of the latest scandal that scares me, no! What scares me is the support these fuckers get. Say what you will, but the blind loyalty of the masses despite their leaders’ actions does raise a few warning bells. Germany, mid 1930’s maybe? Bush for 2 terms? Maybe not that bad. Hopefully. My coffee ain’t cold and I just shit myself! Next!

 

Global Warming – now this is really fucking scary. I’ve been doing some research on space on and off for a few months now (Why? Because space is AWESOME, that’s why!) and according to scientific-types like Steve ‘They See Me Rollin’ Hawking, the only way for our little species to survive future generations is space travel. Oh yeah, space travel. And believe me, this is a widely regarded point of view. There just aren’t enough resources for us to continue living here. We were a mellow little get-together in 1980 with a population of 4.5 Billion and now we’re burying people vertically at a general populous of nearly 7 Billion. Now that raises some other questions: if over 40 years ago, we could land a man on the moon with a computer that couldn’t match the technology of the first iPod, how the fuck have we not landed at least a couple honky’s on Mars yet!? Or at least some sort of long-term, liveable space station?! That’s it! I’m totes calling bullshit on the moon landing. Period! Despite all this, just looking at the drying fuel resources, SPF 65 sunscreen, endangered bees and for reals bizarre weather patterns, things are looking delicate. You know how cigarette packs have a warning label on it, but we’re all like, ‘Whatevs bro, I look totally awesome right now *cough cough*”? Well, waddup melting icecaps! At this point, I can taste the fear in my throat and the chain-smoking won’t make it go away. Next!

 

Then comes the modern day Crusades that sees a blanket policy of ‘Hey guy, you don’t believe what I do so now you’re toast!’. This is a touchy subject so I’ll just leave it at that and just say this: violence justified by religious text is super lame. Quickly! Moving on before I too get a message from God to deliver beatdowns indiscriminately. Jehovah be praised! Next!

 

Economics? No brainer, dawg! We all swore never to be like our parents and barely 5 years into adulthood, we’re retelling stories of ‘Shucks, do you remember when pies used to be R7?’ It’s going down the crapper. And that’s why Global Warming is even scarier still because the Upper Class is slowly and maliciously putting major economic distance between them and the Lower Class, leaving the Middle to disintegrate. “Oh, I wanna just have a gap year and travel!” Don’t do it, bro! You gotta make bank so that when the Rapture comes, you’ll be in the 8% who can actually support themselves! Ba-BLAM!

 

By now, I’ve bailed on the coffee without paying, cancelled my meeting and had rushed home to smoke pot and watch ‘The Office’ until all these little demons had passed through my system.

 

Now, what scares me most when I read the Daily ‘DEATH FROM ABOVE’ News, is not that this shit is happening, it’s just what am I now supposed to do with this information? There’s all this crazy shit happening and us babes, quietly suckling on the teet of the suburbs, can’t do a goddamn thing about it. This has entered a whole new form revolt, the most flaccid version of revolution if there ever was one: Facebook Activism. It’s perfectly understandable as it’s all we can think to do: if we share a dead-end link, we scrub our conscious of any anxiety and sleep well, warm in our generosity. I saw a link the other day, it was a picture of a dog in the rain with the caption of ‘Share this if you would help this dog’. Sorry guys, the sad truth is that there is no Tooth Fairy and despite the +3 million shares, that dog was still in the rain until some sober-thinking person got out their car and gave that dog a blanket and a hi-5. Oh yeah, and fuck that dude who took the photo of the dog to post on Facebook instead of actually helping it!

 

My point in all this? I don’t know if there is one. Basically, Planet Earth might possibly be circling the drain and with the Facebook Fail-olution quickly gaining prevalence over actual action, I think we’re pretty fucked. But all this thinking makes me sad so now I don’t read the newspaper anymore and I’m much happier. Can someone pass the bong please?

 


Skullboy as a younger man, was involved in an unfortunate chain of events involving breakdancing, a crate of poppers and a microwave. The details to this day are quite fuzzy but the mysterious accident left him severely mentally affected. Doctors encouraged him to continue living as normal a life as possible, but he would always carry the burden of being a complete simpleton. The sole reason DIY involves him in any public work is that on that fateful day when they actually turn a profit, DIY can claim a size-able tax cut for working with the mentally challenged.

Need more troof? Check out Project Reality Check

Comments
12 Responses to “Hey Yoof! Here’s The Troof!: No News Is Good News”
  1. curious cat says:

    i dont know whether to shoot myself or crack a bottle in celebration that someone else is actually thinking about this shit! anyway. fuck facebook and have a nice day!

  2. N says:

    I have a feeling that a lot of the reason why the world is so scary is precisely because not enough people read the news. Ignorance is dangerous and self-perpetuating.

  3. Tea Bags says:

    Hats off Skull boy! That was really well written, even with my university degree, spell check, and grammarly i still dont think i would have been able to convey those deep distilled thoughts. True about denial and cigarettes and warning labels in general.

  4. Don’t worry everyone Grant Payne and his hipster generic photography will save us all, one day

  5. Pascal says:

    I too call totes bullshit on the moon landing.

  6. Pedro says:

    “if over 40 years ago, we could land a man on the moon with a computer that couldn’t match the technology of the first iPod, how the fuck have we not landed at least a couple honky’s on Mars yet!? Or at least some sort of long-term, livable space station?!”

    The answer is funding. If you’ve got an hour to kill, this is damn interesting: http://youtu.be/WZw5Vz_imPM

  7. Graham says:

    The power of ignoring mainstream news – http://joel.is/post/31582795753/the-power-of-ignoring-mainstream-news

    If you check out the “News is Negative” headline you get a good idea of why mainstream news is shit

  8. Lucy says:

    Great disclaimer

  9. Trevor says:

    it has to be true. I saw it on youtube.

  10. Neekolaus says:

    “what am I now supposed to do with this information?”
    Before the advent of social media activism (an oxymoron if ever there was one), you had to actually put one foot in front of the other and go out and do something you felt strongly about. You phoned your ward councillor, you volunteered at the SPCA, you took part in clean-up days. You joined an action group. I remember all this shit from the 80’s. Now it’s just weasels sitting behind monitors thinking they’re changing the world but clicking a ‘like’ button.
    Sorry guys, but the reason why the ‘blind masses’ (not my words) are on the news, and you’re not, is because they got up at 4am, wrote on a piece of cardboard, queued for a taxi and actually marched on the streets.

  11. IOIIOOIO says:

    This is so true. I hate reading the news nowadays, its all so depressing and hopeless. Only news I read now is Science & Technology; Arts and Entertainment; and I love reading about human achievements.

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